My Thoughts

This is a really good question thank you. I think that you are touching on a really interesting thing because there’s a bit of a balance that should be achieved. We are social animals. It is normal to need other people. We live in communities, we tend to find mates, the majority of us require other people in our lives. There’s nothing wrong with that. But what you are talking about is the question of when does it cross from a natural tendency to attach to people to codependence?

When is codependency a problem?

There is nothing wrong with you feeling stability in having a partner or someone close to you. Absolutely nothing wrong with that. I am definitely a relationship-oriented person as well. I think I could do okay on my own, but I don’t think being alone would be a sustainable way to live for me. My natural tendency is to form attachments. It sounds like you understand that you could potentially take it a little too far though. You have been actively working on becoming more independent, which I think is great. There’s a big difference between wanting/preferring the version of yourself and your life that happens when you have an attachment figure vs not being able to function or be okay when you are on your own.

To your question of when it becomes a problem – I think it becomes a problem when you start to be nonfunctional in the absence of an attachment person or when your attachment person is having their own issues. So for example, your partner is struggling and you can’t function in your own life because you are too preoccupied with trying to fix it or ruminating on what they are experiencing. Honestly, hearing the way you are talking about this, I think you are going to be in good shape. It sounds like you are making a ton of progress. You are totally allowed to long for a relationship or to have a “person”. I think that’s normal. Of course, that’s on a spectrum. If that is all that preoccupies your mind, there may be some more work and deprogramming to do. You know your tendencies, so that can really help you find success in your personal life and relationships.

Begin to develop your sense of self

You mentioned that you can easily fall into “I don’t know who I am without this person.” Bingo. That’s that exact area that you can put your focus in. You don’t have to try to want or need people less. Rather than working on pushing back a tendency, you can instead work on building up another aspect of yourself. So, you can place your focus and effort into discovering more about who YOU are as a person. Develop your sense of self and your identity as a person. This is obviously a big abstract task, but keeping it as a goal and as a north start to help your decision-making can put you on the right track. This might involve sampling different activities to learn what you are interested and passionate about. It might involve a lot of journaling and self-reflection to learn about your values and what matters to you in the world. Instead of thinking about it as a tendency to lose yourself in relationships, ask yourself questions about why you thrive so much in relationships. Why do you feel most like yourself when you have someone that you can be attached to? These questions might reveal some interesting information about your own character that transcends the whole relationship or attachment thing. As with many things, the best defense is often working toward developing a solid sense of self. This is definitely the case here. This will not make you detached in relationships. It will only start to reduce that desperate feeling that happens in them.

I think that’s basically what I have to say about this one. You are allowed to prefer life with a partner or attachment figure, but you shouldn’t fall apart or lose yourself when you don’t have one. If you find that you are, that probably means you have some tuning up to do with your own self-concept.

You’re doing a good job!