My Thoughts

Thank you so much for writing in. I know this is something that is hard to talk about, so I appreciate your trust. The situation you are describing is common. You are not alone. I’ve worked with a number of people that are or were in very similar places in their relationships.

It’s good to hear that your relationship overall remains pretty strong. You love one another and communicate well, which is such an important foundation. However, I understand that sometimes that makes what you are dealing with, a lack of physical intimacy, even more difficult to deal with. If you disliked each other and needed to move on or you were having issues in the relationship leading to a lack of intimacy, those often feel like more manageable things to work on.

It’s ok to feel like this

So, I just first want to normalize your experience and say that I don’t blame you for feeling sad, hopeless, frustrated, and whatever other emotions you have going on. You are 100% allowed to want to have regular sex with your life partner. That is not an unreasonable need to have. You are not doing anything wrong by being interested. You are not doing anything wrong by feeling let down or even upset when you go through periods of not having sex.

This one is going to be a little hard for me to give you specific advice about because I don’t know what is getting in the way of the sexual relationship. You mentioned that you’ve tried spending more time together, trying to be more physically attractive, being a better partner overall etc. All of that is great. While I doubt the getting fit part is a major issue, the other stuff is just part of being a good partner, which will always help out in this department. But those aren’t really the issue are they? This isn’t something where there is a simple fix or one single culprit that is making the situation what it is.

Understanding the reason why

There are a couple things that may need to happen here. You said that you are good at communicating. That’s helpful. I would be really interested in hearing her side of the story. How she feels about the romantic and sexual relationship between the two of you. You mentioned that you have never had a steamy sexual relationship. Are you both fundamentally different in how interested in sex you are in general? If so, that’s something that you both may be willing to compromise on and put in effort for the other party about, but it’s not reasonable to expect someone that you married to become someone totally different. It’s also possible that she would love to have more sex, but something is blocking that or she may be frustrated by her own lack of desire. There are so many possible contributors such as hormonal changes, stress, body-image issues, physical discomfort during sex, etc. that could potentially play a part. As I said before, you are allowed to have this need, so you can be clear with her about that. That you are not satisfied with your sexual relationship, that you love her dearly, but you also need some sort of change because this is difficult for you. From there, you can start to approach this as a collaboration.

Sex therapy is a great option here. There are people out there that specialize in helping you figure out the best ways to move forward sexually. Ignoring it and common sense approaches aren’t going to do the trick. Finding someone who can provide a safe space, ask the right questions, and provide suggestions is going to be for the best. Not to just self-plug here, but I do have a bunch of sex related questions in my book that I just put out and there are numerous other games, lists, etc. that can help you communicate more openly about sex with your partner. Could it be that one or both of you need something different from the sexual experience? Are there kinks that are being unfulfilled? Is there something that could be added to the bedroom to increase interest and spice things up? A sex therapist might also suggest interventions like scheduling sex for a certain day and time or even avoiding sex and building up to it step by step through other types of interaction.

It’s worth addressing now

You are not harming your relationship by wanting sex with your spouse. You don’t need to kill that desire and try to extinguish the flame of your passion for her. I really doubt that’s what she would want as well. This is something that is very much worth addressing. The way I encourage people in situations like yours to look at it is to think about the fact that, as your committed life partner, presumably, this is going to be the pattern that you continue for the rest of your entire life unless something changes. It may not be an immediate change, but it’s possible to get more on the same page, experiment a bit, and get some help to find a way to connect that is more satisfying and fulfilling for both of you. Get some help with this one. I don’t want this being the way things are forever. You can build unnecessary resentment that way, which can come out in ways that are not healthy to the relationship. You both deserve to have your needs met. Best of luck.