In my first book, I wrote a letter from the point of view of someone dealing with anxiety. The idea was that you could take that letter verbatim or use it as inspiration to help those people in your life that just don’t “get it” to better understand what it is that you are dealing with. In F**k Depression, I have decided to continue that idea, and came up with a letter on how to explain depression. Please feel free to use it in whatever way might be useful with you. I also included it as a downloadable PDF so you can print and give it to someone in your life.
I also have a letter for those dealing with anxiety. Find it here.
How To Explain Depression to Someone Who Just Doesn’t Get It
Dear ___________,
You are getting this letter because you are an important person in my life and I want you to understand more about what I am going through. I know that I can be difficult and I’m sorry for that. I know that I probably don’t need to be sorry, but I am. In fact, I feel guilty for feeling sorry in the first place. Ridiculous, I know. That’s how my brain works because I have depression… and yes, my mind is an exhausting place. I want to give you this letter to help you understand a little more about what I am going through, ask for some grace as I work this crap out, and to suggest a few ways that you can best support me if you are willing.
The first thing that I want you to know is that I am trying. Or, rather… I am trying to try. You see, 1 and 1 don’t always add up to 2 with depression. There are legitimate biological differences between me and someone that doesn’t live with depression, which makes this a really difficult uphill battle. I am literally fighting against my biology which tries to tell me that none of this is worth it and that I shouldn’t even try. When people say things like, “Just think positively,” or “It’s all in your head,” it does not help at all. I know that it is in my head, but unfortunately it is not as easy as flipping a switch and suddenly feeling better. I know that probably have 1000 reasons to be happy and sometimes I feel like the worst person ever for being so down all the time despite them.
Fighting off depression is not a simple task. If it was, I would have done it already. Trust me when I say that I am so tired of feeling like crap all of the time. I am actively trying to take steps to better myself and steal some of my life back from this depressive monster that has crept in like a black cloud raining over all of my thoughts and feelings. The process will involve challenging my negative thought patterns, pushing myself to re-engage with things that I used to enjoy, working to forgive myself for letting things get so out of hand, and finding people that I trust to be on my team. That’s why you are reading this. I want you to be on my team. I know that I have not been the easiest person to be around recently. Maybe my actions or inactions have even hurt you in some way. The thing is, I need support to dig myself out of these patterns. I don’t need a yes or no answer from you right now, but I want to share a few things that do and do not help me in case you are ever willing to lend a hand.
For now, this has to be on my terms. I am feeling more broken and fragile than I would like to admit. Down the line, I might need a bit of a push, but for now, tough love is not what I need. That means that unsolicited advice that worked for you or someone else is probably not helpful. Unfortunately, there is no one size fits all approach to depression. It’s a very individualized sort of beast. Also, being told that what I am going through is not that bad is very hurtful for me. I know that it might not be logical for me to feel this way given my life circumstances. I know it could be worse and that there are many others in the world who have it worse. That’s just how depression works. Intellectually knowing something and feeling it are two very different experiences. I’m working to make them more in sync.
Though my instinct tells me otherwise, it’s probably not the best idea for me to be alone all of the time right now. So, please have a little grace and forgiveness with me if I get irritated or act in off-putting ways. I do want you to be here and I really appreciate you continuing to try. I feel like a lot of people have given up on me. I don’t want you to be one of them.
Probably the most helpful thing that you can do for me is to let me know that you are here. I forget sometimes, so please don’t assume that I already know. Tell me that you are here if I need you. I won’t always know the best ways that you can help me and you don’t have to either. I mostly just need to know that I’m not on this journey alone.
Like I said, a big part of this process of recovery is finding ways to fight back against these unhelpful patterns of thinking that I have fallen into. Sometimes it can be really helpful to have someone that I can rely on as a “logical barometer.” Basically, I can tell you what my train of thought is regarding a situation and you can tell me whether you think it makes sense or not. You can share how you, as a non-depressed person, might interpret it. That helps me to practice reeling in the overgeneralizing, personalizing, and overall amplification of negative thoughts. My thoughts usually start out rooted in reality, but they get way blown out of proportion and you could definitely help me out by nonjudgmentally letting me know how far off my thinking has gone. You don’t have to be “right” to help me out with this. There are really no right or wrong answers, but I will be much better off if I have a few people that I can get input from when I am doubting my initial interpretation of things.
I am trying to do more. This might mean that I am trying to get back to doing things that I used to enjoy because everything feels very bland right now. It also might mean that I am trying to get off of my butt and be more physically active. It is so incredibly hard to find the motivation inside myself to do these things. One change that can give me more motivation to follow through with plans is when I have a buddy to do them along with me. Maybe you could be that person. I don’t mean that you need to do everything with me, but if there is something that you enjoy that I might benefit from, maybe consider inviting me along. Speaking of inviting me along, I won’t always say yes. Even if it is something as simple as going to dinner or the movies, sometimes it feels like the weight of my symptoms are literally crushing me and I will pass on almost any invitation. Please keep inviting me. You don’t need to waste all of your time trying to convince me, just don’t give up on me. Keep offering, please.
Finally, I would be so grateful if you would help other people understand what I am going through. Hopefully at this point, you “get it” a little more. Depression is something that we are told to keep a secret and it is really hard for me to share my feelings sometimes. You are reading this letter because I trust you and want you to be on my team. It is exhausting for me to reach out to each person and ask for help, so if you could help other friends and family understand when they ask what is wrong with me, I would really appreciate it.
If you are reading this far that means that I was right about you. You are amazing and a perfect addition to my depression fighting team. Like I said before, I really am trying. This is a tough battle and I don’t know how long it will take, but having allies like you will certainly make the process that much easier. I am not asking for a blank slate. I know that I can sometimes say or do things that make me not so pleasant to be around. That’s the nature of the beast. You are allowed to be upset, angry, hurt, or annoyed at those things. I just ask that you try to understand that these things are an expression of my depressive symptoms. They may be a part of me, but they are not the whole me. I hope this letter helps you to understand a little more about the other part of me that is dying for a chance to get out into the world.
Sincerely,
______________________
PS: Please feel free to ask questions. I’m sure this is a lot to take in. It’s not the easiest thing to explain. I may not always have the answers for you, but you are welcome to ask.
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So there it is. I want to mention that this letter is a work in progress. I have tried my best to capture some of the main points about depression to help someone understand. However, I might be totally off base or I might be missing some things. If you feel like there is more that you would have added into this letter that would help you out personally, please let me know. You can comment here, you can email me, or you can tweet at me and share. Please do. I want my book to be useful.
Here are a few other blog posts on depression that you might want to check out:
- A Chapter About Suicide
- Being Comfortable in Depression
- The Psychological Benefits of the Patronus Charm
How to Explain Depression | a Letter
You can print this letter to give to someone who just doesn't understand what depression feels like for you.
What to learn more about how to manage depression?
Hardcore Self Help: F**k Depression is the follow up to the best-selling F**K Anxiety. In this book I take the information, tips, and insights that I have gained as a psychologist and translate them into language that doesn’t suck. This is the self-help book for people that don’t usually like self-help books.
In Hardcore Self Help: F**K Depression, I tell you why your brain is such a troll. I explain why you have literally no energy or motivation. Best of all, I tell you how to take realistic steps toward solving these and many other issues caused by depression.
Kindle | Paperback | Audiobook
[…] A Letter to Those who Don’t Understand Depression […]
I think this is well written and incredibly helpful but at points glosses over the true feelings of depression, or maybe the ones I feel personally. I think perhaps a little more should be added about the spiral thoughts take where something simple as someone not waving back at you can suddenly come to mean that they dislike you and everyone probably dislikes you because you are the worst so why try to even be friends with anyone when it’s doubtful they even want to be friends with you. Whew. Sorry for that small rant. Additionally, I would add something about how they’re are days where leaving the house are impossible and sometimes the best thing a friend can do is simply come over and hug you. Human contact, in by no means a sexual manner, has been very helpful for me in fighting off intense depressive stacks.
Thank you for hearing out my thoughts. And thank you for understanding the struggles and assisting other people like me in coping with them.
I’m a psychology and sociology student at DePaul university who has been suffering from depression and anxiety for nearly eight years, since I was thirteen. I picked this field in an attempt to better understand myself and others like me. Your writings help a lot. Thank you.
This is so helpful to me as a starter, what I’ve experienced, the reasons I’m trying to write a letter just like this is that I have pushed everyone so far away that basically they are just used to life without me. I want to explain to them that I know I’m at fault but I now feel completely alone guilty and desperately want u hem back in my life but don’t know how as these things seem so impossible overwhelming and scarey. One of the big things I noticed is how my family now sees me as a total diff person and they can say some things that to me are unbearably hurtful. I feel judged and misunderstood. What I get slot of is that I’m a lier basically. That if I can go run to the store I’m fine, that I am fine when I want to be, that I’m lazy, that I am not trying, or not doing enough to get help. My struggle is trying to explain how wrong that is . I want to explain pretty much a day in my life starting at waking up and it being literally impossible for me to get out of bed, even showered or brush my teeth. And go from the ‘re. I want them to know if I did go run an errand, if I did make it to an event, etc that it was unbelievable difficult, I had to force myself which sometimes I can n sometimes I can’t. I am looking for the ways to better put these things in words. I feel judged attacked and put down by the people I love the most and I don’t have anyone left in my life. It’s a feeling that is beyond explaining and I know without the support from someone, with my family talking about me in negative ways, I won’t be able to get through this. Love to hear others thoughts on all this and some more help in wording these feelings. Thank you that was awesome and helping me write my letter so much.
I would like to add that depression to me, at times, has been so painful spiritually, and so thought consuming because the pain was so intense, all I could think about or concentrate on was ENDING THE PAIN. Make the pain in my heart, my body, my soul, my head, my spirit , my
E V E R Y T H I N G to STOP. Which ultimately could have resulted in SUICIDE !! I have escaped that death more than once. Depression can get that strong of a hold on a person. I don’t want to die. I only wanted to stop the pain !!
I think you wrote that very well. There’s but little that I’d like to add. I agree with the lady before me that it’s the spiral you get into that makes it so hard to get out. It’s not just working on thinking patterns, it’s stopping to think as soon as you start getting anxious. I learned and practised mindfulness for nearly four years until I was able to stop the spiral.
I thought I would have won the battle as soon as I had learned that. I had to find out that that was not so. The pain I feel is still there, only I can stop it from spiralling down to the unbearable pain I used to feel. But pain is still there, overemotionality is still there, extreme sensitivity is still there. I can’t bear noises because they annoy me and I can’t bear music because it makes me emotional – the latter in itself is hard to bear if you used to just love singing.
So it is also about the spiral.
And after that it is about the pain that keeps being there because – I think – something in my brain is just hyperactive. Having done a lot of research it’s the amygdala and it seems that if you manage to calm it down (by deep brain stimulation which will hopefully be reasearched more until the successrate is higher) you feel normal again.
Without having known that I could feel it before I read it. I think I managed to calm down the hyperactivity in my brain a lot by mindfulness/meditation but that’s not the final solution if you have been stuck in depression for a very long time or time and time again.
made me cry and now I’m writing one!
[…] A Letter to Those Who Don’t Understand Depression […]
I came across this because I was trying to figure out how to explain to a professor why I missed so much of his class. I got much more than just that from it. This letter put into words so many different things that I hadn’t quite articulate to even just myself. It’s helpful to have it written out – it helps me understand my depression better. Thank you.
This is something I really needed at this moment so thank you. I have been struggling recently with my depression and my newlywed husband has a hard time understanding exactly what depression is and often times gets frustrated with me because he thinks my depression is a reflection on my feelings towards him. I am taking away some of these great points that I wasn’t able to put into words myself to try to give him a better understanding.
I second adding “something about how they’re are days where leaving the house are impossible and sometimes the best thing a friend can do is simply come over and hug you”…this never happens to me. Everyone I know has only kept their disatance. I never feel truely connected to anyone because I know o have a wedge; this darkness.
I think it is beautiful. The part I have trouble with is that depression is said to be something someone is. That it is a biological difference and some people have it/are depressed and the rest of us arent. Depression is not something you are. It is something we experience like any other emotion(s). And like any other emotions it has something to say. To stop you in your tracks and reveal something to us as unique individuals with needs and nurturing. The chemical balance difference between someone experiencing certain emotions and someone not, to me, does not signify a disorder necessarily or something permanently different that needs correction. My opinion is that we start looking at things like depression as something we experience and go through that teach us rather than disorders and hindrances upon us out of sheer bad luck or dna.
This is spot on and such a well written outpouring of honesty and pleading for understanding. I saved this and sent it to some people I need to read it. Thank you for helping put it all into words, for taking the time to share your struggle to help others. Hang in there as best as you can.
I have just read all of the post before and your reply and I am suffering with anxiety and depression I suffered 10 years ago with a breakdown and find myself back again with it. One day I am so positive and the next so negative I am having counciling and she is good ,just wondering what coping mechanism you use to combat your feelings on a day to day basis as I don’t sleep much either and that’s a bug bare.
Hey. I try and stick to a routine. Not a strict routine but just a few things a day i have to do: brush my teeth morning and night. Leave my apartment. Shut down my laptop and phone and spend 30mins tidying. Motivation is so rare for me i have to make the most of it.
I care. I wish you well. I hope everythings ok.
THANK YOU FOR THIS. I NEEDED THIS.
Thank you. I found this just recently and I really appreciate it. I have used it nearly verbatim with slight modifications to suit who I am and who I sent it to. I expanded on the effect of negativity that comes as “help”.
Many thanks for this honest letter.l have been experiencing depression on return home from the most wonderful holidays l’ve had in 2014 and 2015 to Africa,could not talk to anyone about it,just retreated to my bed,my sanctuary.
Last winter same again,it feels to me like l’m wearing a mantle/cloak and l just ride it out or should l say sleep it off as needed.And come spring,my saviour l slowly shed the layers of my depression,and the weight of the cloak is lifted off my shoulders.This sensation is very real to me.hence l get into a bad sleep pattern,eyes shut at 6am and up again about 1-2 pm.lt takes me ages to correct my sleep pattern.
So this year l enjoyed another wonderful holiday in february to lndia,my first time there mainly to see Bengal Tigers of which l saw seven in the Wild.
So the depression returned as before l retreated into myself once again.l finally did see my Doctor,only took three months to do so,only left home weekly to get food,books & dvds from my Library.Feeling stronger now,the cloak of depression is gone again.I’ve a big European Trip coming up soon,l’ve been anxious in the lead up to this,my bucket list l started thirty years ago.I’ve lost a lot of my confidence and mettle.Trying to retain my initial enthusiasm l had when l booked my Holiday.I get manic at times,like a kid in a Toystore and after some weeks/months l get bored.So l have ginally sought help,appointment with a Psychologist booked in a few weeks and l want to follow up when l get home from Europe as l do not wish to go down the same depression trail as previously.
I miss my confident and happy self.Normally positive,easy going.l don’t have a big friend list,fiercely independant.
Just my story,one of many.Thanks for listening,this letter has helped a lot and l will share to my facebook page…
I don’t wish to end my life at this time but it has been in my thoughts previously.
Barbara.
my girlfriend sent this to me so I can understand her more. It was a good article but reading the comments really put it into perspective and helped quite a bit .so thank you to the folks who had courage to share their outlook and symptoms on here. hopefully I will remember this when it comes time .
Its really good. I like that youve included the biological differences between brains with depression and those without. Thanks for making it easier for some people. Im sure this will help.
This could not have come at a better time for me. I have been trying to explain what depression feels like to my husband. He asks, “What do you have to be sad about?”, like it’s a choice I am making. I also have friends and family who will benefit from this very apt description. Thank you for sharing this. I plan on using this as a foundation for communication with loved ones. I appreciate you taking the time to truly identify some of the major symptoms of this illness
Very helpful and well written.
Thank you.
Thank you. This is exactly what I needed to read at this time. I was having a hard time trying to articulate how I was feeling. Depression and anxiety for me are extremely hard to explain to family and friends. I appreciate you for taking the time to write this.
Thank you. Made me Cry!!! 44 year old male with two kids that r 9 and 8. They are my anchor and keep me ALIVE. Divorced with 50/50 custody. Been depressed most of life cause of childhood, done lord therapy and three months ago quit meds cold turkey. Sick of the pills!!! But not easy lately, gonna return to councilling and maybe start meds again, not for me but for my kids… don’t want pills just want to know what’s wrong with me ??? Am in shape, handsome, have some money, a hobby farm but inside I’m broken and fucked up???
I have suffered from Clinical Depression or Major Depressive Disorder for 20 something years. I like the letter. It is very hard to make someone understand depression sometimes. If I was to add anything to the book it would be maybe a topic about having depression along with ADHD, OCD, PTSD, Anxiety (all or one of these). People don’t understand those things either. I have all of these plus MS and some other things. It’s really good when you find the right Dr. to help with medications, therapy, etc….
Thank you for the letter sharing. I shared it was work with my manager and it really made her see what my brain and feelings go through on a daily basis.
Thank you. This is going to be very helpful as I try to help the one and only person left in my life to understand what is happening inside me. I am so up and down and back and forth. One day I have hope and I just know everything is going to be alright. It could be just a matter of hours and I am ready to give up. I am so tired of feeling this way. I feel like I have no fight left. Everything I do is wrong. I am a disappointment to my kids and my boyfriend. I feel like they would be better off without me and all my drama. I bring everyone down. I found out my boyfriend had been talking to his ex girlfriend for the past 2 years because I was not giving him the time and attention he needed. The pain upon finding that out was indescribable. I spiraled down even further. Hating myself even more. My whole family crumbled and I was powerless to do anything about it but cry. My 16 year old son who has always lived with me, didnt want to live with me anymore and he left me to move into his father’s house. It has been a l8ttle over a month and he has only been back to pick up clothes as needed. I have noone else but my two girls, 10 & 8, and I am scared to death everyday that I am screwing them up. They have seen their mom cry more in the last 3 months more than most kids utilities are see their moms cry in an entire year, or more. My boyfriend is still here wanting to help, but I can’t trust him or anyone, anywhere. I have noone but him to help me with my kids. I lost my job in Dec. 2016…that was the trigger to this neverending episode. My utilities are about to be shut off. My phone rings 10 times a day and EVERYTIME it is a bill collector. I am seriously in over my head right now. I am seeing a counselor who makes me feel like shit if I am even a little late to my appt. Or talk over my 50 min. She said I have too much going on and I need to start prioritizing what I want to talk about because there is not enough time to discuss everything. So again I’m left feeling like I did something wrong. I’m sorry I have so much. Really really sorry.
Sincerely, thank you.If you actually read this please take one more minute and pray for me. No matter how long after today, I guarantee I will still need prayers.
Hi Angela. Your experience really touched my heart and I feel so sorry for what you’re going through. I’m one of those people who don’t understand depression; and even after reading all that I could on the subject, I’m not going to pretend that I now do—guess it’ll take a while to digest it all. Single parenthood is hard enough to deal with so coupled with depression will no doubt make it worse. But I will remember you in my prayers as you so wish.
Thank you Michael. It means more than you can imagine that you took the time to read my comment and then respond. That was so thoughtful. Prayers are so welcome and desperately needed. I gave this letter to my boyfriend who answered “yes” he is on my team all the way and he is here to help in any way he can. Then today I had a feeling about him. I didn’t know if it was my depression lieing to me but I had to look and so I went digging in his phone. Pulled up some old messages saved to his cloud and seen he was talking to another girl about a month ago. While we are both in counseling trying to save our family and knowing he is all I had left. He did it again. So I’m back to only my girls and I. I need to be their Mom, their rock, their protector and I feel so defeated. Please Michael, please pray for my kids peace and happiness and that God bless me with an enormous amount of strength and courage right now. Thank you so much and may God bless you and yours with all that is good for your kindness and compassion.
It’s strange, I am in a depressive state at present, I have been so low for over a week. I cannot get out of bed, shower, dress, eat. I have suffered with depression on and off for almost 20 years..
My biggest problem at the moment is my family who are weighing me down with questions & wanting explanations why I’m feeling like this? I feel so pressurised, it’s not helping at all..
I know it’s love and care and I should be very grateful of their support but for some reason this time round I wish they would leave me alone..
Am I feeling a “different” depression this time or fed up of their questions.
I can’t seem to work it out…
Anyone else ever felt this way before?
[…] https://www.duffthepsych.com/depressionletter/ […]
Aw, this was a really good post. Finding the time and actual effort to make a
good article… but what can I say… I procrastinate a lot and never seem to
get anything done.