Hello, friends. In this Q&A episode, I answer two very meaningful questions relating to moving beyond trauma when you continue to relive it through avoidant behavior, and coping with Major Depressive Disorder as a parent with feelings of perpetual unhappiness.
Long-time listener and lover of the podcast! I have a question. I have avoidant personality disorder, major depressive disorder (mostly in remission), and some PTSD. I’ve noticed that at times when I’m really stressed out and wanting to disconnect from everything I tend to gravitate towards content that will ultimately end up triggering me, (movies about similar trauma I have experienced, influencer drama that reminds me of abusers behavior, that kind of thing). At the time I don’t really notice that I’m doing it. I’ll just suddenly get invested in a new YouTube channel talking about the topics or a tv series and it feels kind of good to really get into it and get emotionally invested, but then when I am done with the series or if there are no more videos to watch I feel terrible and end up having to go through processing my own trauma that it brought up again.
How can I learn to recognize whether I’m into a show because I’m genuinely interested or if I’m just being avoidant and trying to re-live my trauma? I can never tell until afterwards and I go “Woah, it was not a good idea to get so into that”. Even when there are times when I question why I’m invested in some form of content I usually chalk it up to being invested in the story and don’t realize I’m just re-opening my old wounds over and over again.
Why do I feel the need to keep re-opening and re-living the same trauma again and again?
Hello Duff, I want to apologize for my grammar first, because English is my second language. I am a 24-year-old from Antalya, Turkey. I just discovered your podcast and instantly fell in love with the work you’re doing. I have a big question for you, but if you decide to cover this one on your podcast, please keep my name anonymous. Feel free to share my age, gender and location. I was hesitant to write to you but here we go.
I long for something that I don’t even know. It hurts me so bad that I can’t even live my everyday life anymore. I’m so desperate. I’m in this constant battle with myself and every single day is very tiring. However, I don’t know how to handle everything that is going on in my life at the moment. I constantly daydream and wish my life was completely different. Mostly, I just imagine myself being this independent woman, just living by myself, standing strong on my own feet. Being a mother and a wife is very tiring and just not for me. But here I am, a mother to the most beautiful child, yet alone, I just cannot stand myself. I wasn’t made to be a mother. I try my best to be “a good mother” but I constantly fail at becoming one. Every day is another struggle: constant yelling and a child’s crying. I cannot get along with my husband either. We can’t even keep a conversation going for a minute without it turning into an argument. I just don’t know what to do at this point. I feel stuck, tired and numb. I haven’t even “let it all out” and cried for the past few months or so.
I am also currently studying Psychological Counselling and Guidance at the moment and my life is getting in my school’s way. I don’t want to leave my family (especially my 3-year-old daughter) behind and start fresh. I have been diagnosed with Major Depression when I was in my late teens and went through therapy and medication, which did not help at all. I was on medication for several years; doctors tried many different combinations including anti-psychotics even though I wasn’t psychotic at all. They also mentioned Bipolar Disorder and BPD but dismissed the idea since I didn’t have most of the symptoms and their final decision was Major Depression. I feel like my whole life is ruined and I ruin everything that I touch. Feeling like a failure also doesn’t help. Thank you for taking the time to answer my questions. Have a nice day.
Episode 254 – Related Posts
As well as listening to the podcast, you can also find my thoughts on the questions in written format in these related posts!
Question 1 – Why do we watch things that remind us of trauma?
Question 2 – What to do when you feel there is just no hope.
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